Sculptor of Minds, Sculptor of Worlds
by Pognut
Summary: <html><head></head>The SOS Dan goes to investigate a new foreign transfer teacher who is more foreign than he seems.</html>
1. The Excitement of Haruhi Suzumiya

Chapter 1: The Excitement of Haruhi Suzumiya

"Hey, Kyon!"

_Not again. It's too hot for this._

"Kyon!"

"Ow!"

I rubbed my aching head and glared behind me at the grinning, bright eyed beauty behind me, who had just yanked me backwards, smacking my head on her desk. Her name is Haruhi Suzumiya, a close analogue to God, as well as my good friend and bane of my existence.

_Right now she's leaning towards the latter. She's gonna break my skull one day. _

"What is it? You don't need to try and give me a skull fracture every time you want something."

"Have you heard? There's a new teacher being transferred in! Near the end of the year too, seems veeeeery fishy. The SOS Dan must investigate!"

"How are we supposed to investigate someone who isn't here yet? Besides, some of us have tests to study for."

"Ah geez, is that it? I'll help you study later."

_What's with this visual novel style development? Knowing Haruhi it'll turn into studying the Bermuda Triangle or detective stories or something. Or both at once. _

"All right, fine. But what are we supposed to do until then?"

_Let me guess..._

"Tell the rest of the SOS Dan, of course! I need to prepare Mikuru-chan for her role as seductress in case the new teacher is that kind of guy."

_Knew it. I've been doing this sort of thing too much. _

"And if it's a girl?"

"Hmph, this isn't The World God Only Knows, you know. It'll be a guy, mark my words!"

_Well if she says so...Sorry Mikuru, I wish I could stop her, but..._

My mind flashed back to the bunny suit, the maid outfit, the nurse costume.

_I guess I share some tastes with Haruhi, strange as it is to say that. _

After class, we walked to the SOS Dan club room, with Haruhi marching boldly ahead as usual.

"Helloooo everybody!"

"You really shouldn't kick the door in like that Haruhi, it might break."

"What are you, my mother? Once Koizumi gets here I'll make today's big announcement! But before that...Mikuru-Chan~ I've got a surprise for you~"

_That kind of sing song shouldn't be coupled with such a dire threat._

I quickly hightailed it out of the room, knowing what was coming. Sure enough, I heard the high pitched pleas of Asahina Mikuru, moe-blob, mascot, and time traveler extrodanaire.

"S-s-suzumiya-san, please, w-what are you doing with those scissors. Nooooooo!"

"Ah, sounds like they're having fun in there."

Here he comes, Itsuki Koizumi, Haruhi's yes-man and mental relaxant, and possessor of possibly the most conditional, useless psychic powers ever.

_Wipe that smirk off your face when you talk about harassment, with all the groping and the stripping..._

"You seem happy about something."

_Ah, dammit._

"Nah, I'm just happy it's something as normal as a new teacher, and not another bug out of an old kaiju movie."

"I see. Well, Haruhi seems to be happy for now. I haven't had a single case of closed space to deal with since that incident, and none for a while before either. It's nice to be able to enjoy my youth. You know, they say youth is a driver of economic prosperity. In fact, there have been a number of studies considering this, and..."

_Why does he sound like an economics major. Oh wait, now it's political science and revolutions. All this talk of youth makes him sound like Might Gai, and I'd guess he probably has the same tastes._

"Are you listening to me, Kyon?"

_Aaaaaaaaand that would be why._

"Don't put your face so close to mine. The last thing we need is to give Haruhi ideas."

"You can come in now~"

_Speak of the horrible, terrible, beautiful devil._

"All right, what have you done to Mikuru-chan this time Haruhi?"

"Come see! I gave myself the same treatment, just in case he's not into the shy ones."

_Well, at least she did it fairly no that's no excuse at all!_

While it wasn't quite as bad as the bunny girl, Haruhi had still mauled a pair of perfectly good school uniforms. The skirts were cut way too high, the tops too low, and she even cut the bottom of the tops off to show some stomach. Mikuru, is, of course, on the verge of tears. Yuki, as usual, is reading a book. Oh yeah, Yuki Nagato, our resident stoic, although being a magical alien computer interface with no regards for human social norms will do that. Huh, now that I think about it, she's got better powers than Koizumi. Maybe she's the esper and he's the alien. Mikuru's still the time traveler, and everyone says I'm normal. Oh yeah, Haruhi mentioned a slider in that speech of hers on the first day didn't she. I guess she forgot about it or we'd have one already. I went up and spoke softly to Yuki.

"Hey, Nagato, do you think you could do some sort of illusion to make Mikuru's uniform look normal?"

"Why?"

_Curse you alien social skills._

"It's embarrassing for her, and if Haruhi doesn't notice it'll be fine right?

"...Understood."

_Well, that's that out of the way. Haruhi's had her fun with Mikuru for the day, so my next guess would be..._

"Cmon everyone, let's go try and intercept the new teacher while he's being shown around!

_I knew WAIT! How do you know the teacher will even be here! Oh right, she's God. Never mind._

So, of course, we all marched up to the teacher's lounge to intercept this mystery man.

"Ehhh! What do you mean he's not here!"

_So much for God being omnipotent. Suck it Koizumi. Wait, no that came out wrong, I mean...AAARGH!_

Ignoring my silent scream of anguish, Haruhi grilled our homeroom teacher. Turned out the teacher had already gotten his tour earlier in the day, and we were just too late to catch him.

"It's very odd though, I thought he would still be here, but he left very fast. I didn't even see him leave."

"Well, thank you for your time."

Back at the clubroom, Haruhi pouted for a while before finally exploding.

"Jeez, why wasn't he there! A normal teacher would stick around for a while wouldn't they? This seems suspicious."

"Or it could be that he had to go somewhere. It's pretty late in the day, he probably had his tour earlier, stuck around, and then left before we got there."

"Hmph. I'm going home."  
>Without the magnetic force of Haruhi holding us there, the rest of the SOS Dan scattered to our assorted residences. I hesitate to use the word homes, because Nagato's is just a place to stay so she doesn't arouse suspicion, and I have no idea where Mikuru and Koizumi live. Probably in secret bases or something.<p>

The next day came without incident, aside from my usual climb up that damn hill. I'm probably getting pretty buff from all that walking by now. On the way to homeroom, I ran into Taniguchi.

"Yo Kyon. Hows it goin'?"

"So so. Haruhi's got some crazy idea about the new teacher."

"She's kinda right ya know. It is a bit weird to have a teacher transfer this late in the year. Besides, I hear he's a foreigner."

"Oh that's just perfect, something more to feed her fantasies."

"Look at it this way buddy, in the grand scheme of things, it doesn't matter because she's hot."

_I should have known not to expect anything profound from you._

"Well, here we are. Good luck with her."

We entered homeroom and took our seats. Haruhi was already there. I could feel the excitement radiating off her, or maybe that was just her bouncing up and down in her chair. Finally, our homeroom teacher entered, with the new guy in tow. He was a tall thin man, though not quite skeletal. He had hair so black it almost looked blue that kept getting in his eyes, but he didn't look Japanese. Chinese, maybe? No, his nose was too big for that. He had an angular, bony face with the aforementioned nose in the middle.

"Everyone, I know it seems odd, but we have a new temporary teacher for the rest of the year. He's here from America on an exchange program to teach math. Please give Mr. Beleren a warm welcome."

The new teacher stepped forward, and said in flawless Japanese, "My name is Jace Beleren, it's a pleasure to meet you all. I look forward to working with you for what remains of the year."


	2. The Curiosity of Jace Beleren

Chapter 2: The Curiosity of Jace Beleren

"Where are you from?"

"Iowa, in the middle of the United States."

"What's your favorite band?"

"I'm not much of a music person. I have a friend who likes it though."

"What's your favorite movie?"

"I prefer books."

The new teacher had been answering questions of this sort for a good half hour. It wouldn't be long before he was being forced to deal with the possibility of blackmail, a sexual harassment lawsuit, or whatever else Haruhi had in mind. And sure enough, she stood up behind me and slammed her hands down on the desk.

"Hey, you, Mr. Beleren. Isn't it strange that you come here with only a few weeks left of school? And from Iowa? Wouldn't a foreigner be from somewhere famous, like New York, or Los Angeles?"

_For someone so smart, you sure can be a giant dumbass sometimes Haruhi._

Mr. Beleren looked at us. He had a cool, calculating gaze. Combined with his personality and love of books, he seemed like a male Nagato.

"My hometown wasn't particularly exciting, true. That's why I left to come here. As for why I'm here so late, I'm signed up for a summer program as a teacher at a cram school, but one of the regular teachers fell ill, so I was asked if I wanted to step in. I like math, but I also have a great fondness for...what was it called? Oh yes, psychology, that's what it's called here. I'd like to study that one day."

"Hmph!"

Unsatisfied by his boring answer, Haruhi stomped back to her seat.

_Sorry Mr. Beleren, but you're going to be ambushed later. I wish you well in the battle ahead._

After that, homeroom proceeded as usual, with Mr. Beleren watching from the sidelines. Next up was math, and we finally got to see the mysterious new teacher in action.

"Before I start my first lesson, I'd like to talk a bit about math and the search for knowledge. I decided to become a teacher because I love knowledge, and math can be said to be the root of all knowledge. Everything descends from math, even the inner workings of the human mind. Thus, math will always be there for you, should you need to figure something out. That being said, let's get started."

_What a boring speech. Haruhi's gonna be pissed, which means Koizumi will have more work to do. Sucks to be him. _

The rest of the lesson was surprisingly normal, until the very end, when everyone was leaving. Mr. Beleren came over to talk to me.

_Please don't ask about Haruhi, please don't ask about Haruhi, please don't ask about Haruhi, please don't ask about Haruhi, please don't ask about Haruhi, please don't ask about Haruhi._

"You go by Kyon, correct? I'd like to talk to you about your performance in this class after school, if that's all right with you.

_Yeah right, it's going to be about Haruhi somehow. Stupid God. _

"Sure, sure. I'm not sure when I'll be done with club activities, but I'll stop by when I can."

"Thank you."

He smiled a cryptic smile. In fact, it seemed all his expressions were at least a little cryptic. I swear he was a male version of Nagato.

_You know, that doesn't seem too far-fetched. Might as well check it out later. _

The rest of the day passed uneventfully, and when my last class ended I headed up to the SOS Dan club room, AKA the stolen Literary club room. Much to my complete and utter lack of surprise, Nagato was there, reading.

"Hey, Nagato, do you know if the Data Overlord has any older interfaces hanging around here?"

"No. All interfaces are females of my age."

_So the great and wise Data Overmind has a thing for high school girls._

"It is to facilitate easier interaction with Suzumiya."

_Suuuuuuure._

"Ah, I see."

We languished for a few minutes, waiting for the inevitable.

"Yo!"

_And there it is._

"Kyon, out, we need to change."

"Yeah yeah."

After a few minutes, Haruhi, Mikuru and Nagato emerged from the club room. To my relief, I noticed that Mikuru's uniform appeared normal, and Haruhi didn't seem to notice. I nodded my thanks to Nagato. Koizumi joined us, and together we marched to the teachers room. Well, Haruhi and Nagato did. I trudged, Koizumi strode, and Mikuru tiptoed. To my surprise, Haruhi didn't burst into the teacher's lounge, but instead knocked politely and opened the door quietly.

"Excuse me, is Mr. Beleren here? I'd like to talk to him."

As it so happened, he was sitting in the back, reading a book in a language I didn't recognize. It wasn't Japanese, but it didn't look like English either.

"So, you transfer here at the last minute and expect us not to notice? The SOS Dan won't let that slide, no sir. Slide...You're a slider, aren't you!"

_How'd she get that? That pun only works in English!_

"I'm not sure what you mean by slider, but I assure you what I said about the circumstances earlier remains true."

"Really now? Well how about this!"

_It's the Mikuru attack! Will the teacher be able to stand up to not one, but two sexy high school girls! A fateful battle unfolds!_

To our surprise, he bust out laughing.

"Those are very cute uniforms you two have there, but I assure you, I'm immune to such weak mind games. Besides, you're both much younger than I am, and I don't want to get fired."

"Hmph! We'll figure out what your deal is soon, Mr. mystery teacher, just you wait!"

With that, she marched off to plot her next avenue of attack. Mikuru and Koizumi followed her, and Nagato glanced back briefly at the teacher before leaving as well. I was set to follow her when Mr. Beleren stopped me.

"It's good you're here Kyon, this is a good chance to have that talk with you I wanted."

_About Haruhi._

"Now, sit down please, because we have a few things to discuss."

_About Haruhi._

"Now, first, I'd like to ask you..."

_About Haruhi, now just get it over with already!_

"About why you seem so bored in class. Your grades are generally ok, but it seems like you could do more."

_Huh? Something's not right here._

"I've talked to the other teachers, and they all say similar things. You have a great talent for the academic, but you don't really use it."

"Is there a specific reason I'm here sir? I doubt a new transfer teacher is going through all the students in the school to find the underachievers."

"Ah, you've figured it out."

_Here comes the Haruhi question._

"You're right, I'm not just interested in bringing underachievers up to speed. You seem to have a good head for logic and deductive reasoning, talents that I find are remarkably underused. I'm trying to get the faculty here to support some sort of logic class or club, and to do that I need proof that it can be valuable."

_Huh, either I'm just paranoid because of Haruhi, which I probably am anyway, or somethings up here. He wasn't even fazed by Mikuru and Haruhi's sexy outfits...Wait a minute. I asked Nagato to put an illusion on her outfit. How did he see that?_

"Ah, you've figured it out."

I looked back at the teacher, and his eyes were faintly glowing blue.  
>"Your leader had it right, you know. I am a slider, of sorts. Of course, she was thinking of parallel universes, but I'm not quite that skilled. All I can do is jump between the different planes of the multiverse; planets, I believe they're called on this plane. My kind are called planeswalkers, and I believe your beloved Haruhi might be one.<p> 


	3. The Irritation of Chandra Nalaar

Chapter 3: The Irritation of Chandra Nalaar

_Of course. Of course it would come to this. It couldn't just be that he just wants to talk, that he has the hots for Haruhi, or the hots for me, or the hots for his damn chair. Nope, it's always gotta be something weird. That's not the most important thing here though._

"She's not my beloved!"

"Oh? Then why are you thinking of her so much."

_Oh crap..._

"Indeed. Don't worry, I've only been picking up surface thoughts. It's quite impolite to go any deeper without permission."

_Fine then, why don't I just think to myself so that you can't talk to me without looking nuts?_

"Well, leaving aside the fact that I could make my words inaudible to anyone but you, _telepathy isn't just a one way thing._"

"All right, fine, we'll do it your way. So what's a planeswalker, and why do you think Haruhi is one?"

"We are those who walk the Blind Eternities, seeing the sights of all the planes of the multiverse."

He must have seen my blank look, because he explained in less poetic terms.

"In less poetic terms, we can travel between what you would term planets without going insane. Of course, having had access to your plane's amazing knowledge databanks, I now see that the insanity of non-planeswalkers is likely either a reaction to seeing the infinite vastness of the multiverse, or a lack of air to breathe. What gives a planeswalker the ability to move between planes is the spark, a still poorly understood trait that only awakens in times of great stress. I suspect travel between planes is possible without the spark, but we have an advantage in that our travel is almost instant."

"So why do you think Haruhi can teleport? She would have noticed if she could move between worlds by now, I think."

He smiled his enigmatic smile.

"There's a bit more to it than that, I'm afraid. You see, approximately 16 years ago there was an event known as the Mending. It was the result of increasing temporal and dimensional instabilities in the plane of Dominaria, resulting from the many apocalypses that have ravaged that plane. Time rifts were beginning to open, and sealing these rifts required the sacrifice of a planeswalker's spark. The planeswalkers who gave their lives were different from me. They were the old breed of 'walkers, physical gods who could bend reality to their whim, change their appearance, live forever, create entire planes. I am merely a mage with the ability to planeswalk, as are most of the other 'walkers I've met. Your Haruhi, I believe, was born at the time of the mending. I believe the low mana of this plane and the...tumultuous circumstances surrounding her birth led to her powers manifesting strangely upon her ascension three years ago."

_Wha...I wish I wasn't too stupid for this stuff._

"So what you're saying is, Haruhi's some kind of old school wizard, but the thing that gives her that power is all messed up."

"Correct. You picked that up quickly enough, for someone too stupid for this. Although to be fair, I suspect you're more used to far more complicated explanations. That girl who radiates blue mana, for instance."

"Blue?"

"Ah, forgive me, another technical term. There are five colors of mana in the multiverse: White, Blue, Black, Red, and Green. I'll explain the rest later, if you care to hear it, but blue is the mana of intellect, reason, logic, and knowledge. I myself am a blue mage, which is how I can perform telepathy. Illusions are another specialty."

I fully expected to see a dragon burst in, but instead Haruhi appeared out of nowhere and kissed me full on the lips!

"That's not funny!" I cried when I broke free from the illusionary Haruhi, which quickly faded to mist.

_Wait, that was magic wasn't it? Irrefutable proof I guess. Shoulda known it wouldn't be long before I couldn't just call him crazy. Sheesh, gimme some time at least before I have to have my worldview shattered again._

"On the contrary, I found it amusing. Maybe I'm just a...how does your computation device culture put it? A troll? Although, compared to the trolls I'm used to, bored people miles away from me don't seem too bad. None of that trying to smash me with a club business."

I just glared at him.

"Yes, it's always fun to see people deny something so strongly. Makes the mind light up in all sorts of interesting ways. Ah well, I suppose I take my amusement where I can. This assignment has been so relaxing that I can afford to loosen up a bit. I've gotten a bit sick of being serious all the time."

"So you can do magic huh? Must come in handy catching people cheating on tests."

He smiled that damn smile of his again.

"It does indeed. Rest assured, I'm going to do my best at this job. Your plane has so much interesting knowledge, and yet so many of you sit in your classes, bored to tears. I was serious about trying to get underachieving students more interested in math and logic. Both are excellent tools for any good blue mage."

_Oh great, he's a mage and he wants to help me with my schoolwork. Welp, I'm dead. I'm dead and in hell. Must've displeased O-Haruhi sama, goddess of tropes. _

"I'm not sure what tropes are, but Haruhi is no goddess, even if that mistake was frequently made when it came to the old 'walkers."

"Would you cut that out!"

"Ah, my apologies, the habits of a mind mage are hard to break, and I'm used to places where even the beasts have at least some mental defenses."

"Well I guess I'm the dumbest beast of all then. See ya later, I'm going home."

"Enjoy your weekend, Kyon."

The next day I got a lovely little wake up call from Haruhi, and by lovely I mean filled with yelling. She wanted the SOS Dan to investigate the mysterious Mr. Beleren and find out what he was hiding.

_Another Saturday gone. Oh well, not like I was planning on ever relaxing again until the world gets erased because Haruhi stubbed her toe or I got shishkebabed by a psychotic alien with a combat knife. _

Haruhi told me to meet them at the usual spot downtown at noon, so I headed out at ten to beat them there.

_This time...Oh yes, this time it shall be different Haruhi. No longer shall I be the buffoon in this little play of ours. For this time, you see...I SHALL BE THERE FIRST!_

"Where have you been Kyon? You're the last one here again! Looks like you're paying for breakfast again."

_I! HATE! LIFE!_

Ignoring my silent scream of anguish, Haruhi marched off grinning, along with Koizumi and Mikuru. Nagato stayed behind to poke me until I recovered from my stupor, and then headed off herself. At the cafe, we, meaning Haruhi, outlined our plans for the day. We were to head to Mr. Beleren's apartment, a few blocks away, and tail him the whole day in rotating pairs. It was a surprisingly well thought out plan for Haruhi, whose plans usually consisted of charging straight in with everyone in tow and revealing our presence immediately. We drew straws as usual to see who went first, which ended up being Koizumi and Haruhi, much to the latter's visible frustration. She whispered something furiously to Nagato and then stomped off with Koizumi in tow, smiling of course. As they left, Nagato turned to me and spoke, a rarity for her.

"She requested that I not let you and Asahina-san be alone together. I believe she was fearful of the potential for a 'date.'"

"Ah well, is there any place you'd like to go Nagato, Asahina-san?"

"Um...if it's all right with you...I wouldn't mind seeing a bookstore."

"Sounds good, bookstore it is."

On the way there, we passed one of the local game stores. They had a display out for some new game, based on the Durarara anime. Something about one of the characters, a blond guy in a bartender suit, seemed familiar, but I couldn't figure out why.

_Oh well, probably nothing. _

Nagato was staring at it, and looked to me for clarification.

"It's a game store, people buy video games here."  
>"What is a video game?"<p>

"Well...it's like that thing we played against the Computer Club, except that was a computer game. Only difference is that video games are played on specialized computers basically. There are all sorts, like action, fighting, strategy, porn games, shooters, RPGs."

"What is a porn game?"

_What, nothing about RPGs?_

"Erm..never mind. Here, I'll show you around the store."

As I showed her around, Nagato had a look of wild eyed amazement on her face, by which I mean she looked exactly like she always does. But she gave off the impression of wild eyed amazement...I think.

"I will stay here. There is much interesting data."

"All right I guess. Have fun, and make sure you're back before it's our turn or Haruhi will be pissed."

_Why...is she heading off towards the bishoujou and porn games..._

With Nagato doing I don't quite want to know what, Mikuru and I headed for a bookstore, where we hung out until it was time to swtich. She seemed very happy just to be near books.

_I guess they must be rare in her time or something. _

Once the time came, we headed towards Mr. Beleren's apartment and ran into Haruhi a block away.

"Man, it's like he's the most boring teacher in the world! He's just been sitting there reading a book this whole time! No dimensional rifts, illusions, monsters, nothing."

"I don't suppose you've ever considered the possibility that he's a normal teacher."

"Don't be stupid Kyon. It's your turn now, so don't screw up!"

"Ah, it's the SOS Dan. How are you all today?"

We froze and turned slowly around to see Mr. Beleren standing behind us, wearing jeans and a blue hoodie. Haruhi began laughing feebly and babbling some excuse about shopping and what not.  
>Suddenly, I felt the temperature spike. I looked behind me to see a giant ball of flame heading my way.<p>

_Oh, death by fireball, perfect._

It was not to be though, as Mr. Beleren waved his hand and the ball was met with an equally large blast of air which deflected it into the sky, where it exploded. Haruhi looked up in annoyance.

"Man, what idiot is setting off fireworks in the middle of the day?"

"I believe I know exactly who it is, Suzumiya-san. Please stand back while I handle her."

A female voice bellowed.

"BELEREN!"

The words were accompanied by a young foreign woman with red eyes, probably Irish based on her flame red hair. She was almost as tall as I was in a skirt and t-shirt, and fairly well endowed, although not as much as Mikuru.

_So sue me, I notice these things._

"Ah, Chandra. So nice to see you again."

"Spare me the sarcasm Beleren. What're you doing here?"

"It's a tsundere. A real life tsundere character" squealed Haruhi quietly from beside me, grinning her manic grin.

_Have you looked in the mirror?_

Mr. Beleren turned to us.

"Everyone, I'd like you to meet Chandra Nalaar, an old...associate of mine."


	4. The Confusion of Yuki Nagato

Chapter 4: The Confusion of Yuki Nagato

The Irish lady looked us all over.

_Well, she's probably not Irish if she's friends with Mr. Beleren. _

"Nice to meet you guys. I'm Chandra Nalaar, the greatest...MMPH!"

"She appears to be having trouble speaking, so I'll finish for her. She's a very skilled fireworks and pyrotechnics expert."

_Trouble speaking huh? I bet I know who caused that, Mr. Glowing Magic Eyes._

Chandra glared at Mr. Belren before finishing her sentence.

"As I was saying, I'm the Greatest pyrotechnics expert around."

"I've seen better."

"You wanna go Beleren!"

"I'm merely stating facts Chandra. That wild-haired fellow we met overseas was probably your equal."

"Screw you and your facts!"

"Fine. Why don't we all go somewhere for lunch and I can introduce you to my students, with a minimum of explosions, preferably."

"Fine. You're buying."

_Hah, my wallet is safe!_

We began heading towards our usual cafe. As we walked, Chandra glared at Mr. Beleren as he steadfastly ignored her. If looks could kill, he would have been a smoldering pile by now.

_Given what we're dealing with, maybe they can. _

We reached the cafe, sat down and ordered. Chandra had super spicy curry, and when it arrived requested more spice.

_More spice, and more spice. How much spice can one person handle? She's a lunatic. _

"So, Chandra, these are some of the students I teach in my mathematics class." He introduced each of us in turn, with Yuki last.

"Glad to meet you guys. I'm Chandra Nalaar, the best boom maker around."

Haruhi got straight to it.

"How'd you meet Mr. Beleren, Chandra-san?"

"Just Chandra's fine, I've never been too hung up on all that formal junk. We met overseas, while we were both on different jobs. I was trying to get a new bit of information, and he was trying to get it back. He did, but I already had everything I needed."

"I always wondered how you managed to get that scroll away from me."

"Simple, you suck, I don't."

"Ah, of course. An explanation as simple as it is profound. Truly you are a master of words."

"Can it Beleren! If I hadn't saved your ass back on Zendikar..."

She stopped speaking, probably because Mr. Beleren was glaring at her sternly. She glared back at him.

_Very glarey couple, these two. Crap, that'll just encourage Haruhi. _

Sure enough, she pulled me close and whispered, fairly loudly, in my ear.

_Knew it, I must be psychic or something. _

"Kyon, look at how they're glaring. They are so totally tsundere for each other!"

"Yeah, well you glare at me all the time. Does that make you a tsundere?"

"I glare at you when you screw up, so shut up, before I knock you up!"

_I wish I could tell her what that actually means, just for the look on her face._

_"That would be rather amusing wouldn't it."_

_"I'm not even going to waste time being surprised. So what's the deal?"_

_"I was just explaining the situation to Chandra, and reminding her that I cannot use my usual cover up method, memory modification, on Haruhi, without fear of triggering something. What, I don't know, but I can't imagine it would be anything good. _

"How long have you been dating?"

"WHAT! We're not dating, damnit!"

"She's right, we're really not."

"Suuuure. So Chandra, how'd you do that fireworks thing earlier."

"It's..not really something I can share, ya know? Trade secrets and all that."

We all chatted for a while, before Mr. Beleren announced that he had to leave and said his goodbyes. Chandra also excused herself, and we were left where we started. Haruhi began chuckling, then laughing, then cackling ominously.

_Well this is going to be absolutely wonderful._

"It's so perfect! Can't you guys just see it! Children of feuding families, meeting for the first time while competing for information. One, the scion of a great fireworks empire, the other, an agent of Mensa. They fight and feud, but deep down they love each other, even though they know they have to be on opposite sides. It's great! The SOS Dan will dedicate itself to making their love come true."

_You just ripped off Romeo and Juliet. _

"So how are we going to do that, hmmm?"

"Good question. Itsuki, go get some books on love from the library and bring them to school on monday."

"Of course."

"Yuki, search the internet for information on love."

"Understood."

"Mikuru, stand there and look pretty."

"Umm...Okay..."

_Does that mean I can relax wait what was that last one? _

"Kyon, try and write some love poems."

"Huh? Why me?"

"Just do it. You can use me as your model!"

_I...cannot tell if she's serious or seriously deranged._

"All right everyone, dismissed."

As we left the restaurant and headed our separate ways, Yuki tugged at my sleeve for attention.

"What's up Nagato?"

"I wish to enquire about the new teacher, and the red haired woman."

"Mr. Beleren and Chandra, what about them?"

"They are very...curious. The Data Overmind does not know what to make of them. They appear to possess the ability to manufacture data, similar to that of Haruhi Suzumiya, but on a smaller scale. In addition, I could feel Mr. Beleren probing my defenses. He seems to have realized that I am not a human."

"Well, I guess I can explain. Maybe you can help next time he tries to go all cryptic and mysterious on me."

So I told her all about what was really happening, with the sliders, sorry Planeswalkers, though I left out the part about Haruhi being all uberpowerful and stuff. She could talk to Mr. Beleren about that. After I was done, she stared at me for a few seconds.

"I see. What are you not saying?"

"That I'm secretly in love with you and want to have your babies."

"What is love? Is it related to a glasses fetish?"

_Baby don't hurt me, don't hurt me, no more. _

"Eh...kinda. I was joking anyway."

"I see. I will go and research love on the primitive human data network."

"Night."

_Well, that wasn't so bad. Maybe by Monday Our Lady of Bipolar Disorder will forget all about this and we can go back to being bored. Yeah. That'll happen. Can't wait for that. _

But of course, the next day, I was proven wrong. Not completely wrong, since Haruhi had pretty much forgotten the whole love research thing. But boredom was out of the question once we got to the club room after school.

"Hey Yuki."

"I have finished researching love on the data network."

"Oh yeah! I totally remembered that. What'd you find?"

_Well, hopefully she just used wikipedia._

"This. Based on data Kyon showed me during out surveillance, I determined this to be an acceptable area of love to research."

"That's...very interesting Yuki. But I don't think porn games are quite I was thinking of."

"Oh. May I keep them for further study?"

"Eh..heh heh...sure...just...here, wear headphones so you can have some privacy...yeah, privacy."

"Understood."

"Hello, am I missing anything?"

_Oh great, Koizumi. I bet he brought in porn games too. _

"Eh, not really. Moving on! Kyon, you were supposed to write love poems about me! Let's hear 'em."

_Crap! I forgot. Hmm...Haiku's are simple._

"Ok, here goes...  
>Bipolar Wonder<br>With Your Fantastic Ponytail  
>You Are Really Hot<p>

How was that?"

"It was nice of you to acknowledge how beautiful I am, b-but that's not a love haiku! It should have more drama! Lovers torn between their duty and their love, scandalous romances, princes and princesses! A haiku should be a fairy tale in a poem!"

_How am I supposed to fit all that in 17 syllables?_

"Forget it. Koizumi, what'd you find?"

"Glad you asked. I found a very popular manga, both here and overseas. Many girls I talked to say it is a wonderful example of love."

"Lemme see. Magical Love Gentlemen..."

_Oh goddamnit, Koizumi I will straight up kill you! Yaoi! Really! The last thing she needs is more ideas!_

"Club activities are over for the day. I need to...um...collate the research. Yeah that's it. Research. EVERYBODY OUT!"

And so, we were unceremoniously booted from the club room. I used the opportunity to make a quick escape, and spent the whole rest of the day dreading what would happen tomorrow.


	5. The Consternation of Kyon

_A/N: Thanks to all my reviewers and favoriters. Seeing those messages in my inbox makes me think this is worth continuing. Also, extremely late disclaimer. I don't own Magic: The Gathering or The Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya. Please don't sue me._

Chapter 5: The Consternation of Kyon.

As it turned out, the next few days were exceptionally boring. All Haruhi did was make the occasional sideways glance at me or Koizumi, then grin maniacally and cackle. Even Mr. Beleren was more normal than usual, simply using his cover as a teacher to teach, which meant I missed most of what he said, not being the most studious fellow to ever exist. Every so often I would get the feeling I was being watched while I dozed off in classes, followed by what felt like someone poking me in the brain. When I raised my head to glare at the only obvious candidate, Mr. Beleren would be looking at the chalkboard every single time, but I knew he had that smirk of his on his face. It wasn't until Thursday that something odd happened. Mr. Beleren wasn't there, replaced by our homeroom teacher. I didn't think anything of it at the time, but it turned out to be way more important than a chance to catch up on my beauty sleep without a magician mind poking me.

That afternoon, I headed up to the clubroom as usual.

"Ah, hello Kyon."  
><em>Ignore, ignore, ignore the yaoi bringing fool~<em>

"I wanted to apologize for my behavior the other day. I should have known Miss Suzumiya would take things a little too far. Truth be told, I didn't know what it was at first. I got it from someone at the agency, our tech support. I should have realized she was into that sort of thing."

_Damn, bardsong failed._

I turned back to look at him. He was smiling, just as inscrutably as ever. Itsuki's smile was nearly impossible to decipher, but I had begun to pick up on some subtleties here and there. A slight raising of one corner meant happy, lowered meant sad, stretched meant consternated. Today, however, I couldn't read a thing off of him.

"Something wrong?"

"Nothing."

_Well, that's a lie. Considering I'm getting a strange chill and the feeling something's out of order, and the sky appears to be purple...yeah, I lied._

"We're in closed space aren't we."

"How'd you guess?"

"THE SKY IS NOW PURPLE! THAT IS NOT EXACTLY NORMAL!"

"True, and there's no need to shout."

"Hmph, fine. So where's the trouble?"

"No trouble, I just want to talk."

Itsuki looked the same as he always did, smile and all. Nothing odd about him, aside from the usual.

_So why the hell do I feel like running?_

"Are you sure you're all right Kyon? You seem flushed."

He was walking towards me now. Slowly. The shadows he cast were twitching like they were trying to get loose.

_And yet, still only marginally creepier than the usual Itsuki._

"I'm fine. So what'd you wanna talk about?"

"Well, I wanted to ask about a few things. Let me show you something first."

He pointed out the windows towards the stupid stupid hill I had to walk up every day for school.

"Miss Suzumiya has been quite happy recently, which is quite nice, but there are some odd anomalies popping up in closed space now. Like that for instance."

I followed his finger. Near a gate on the hill was an area that could only be described as hell. Blood was all over the pavement, and at random, jets of flame would shoot up from the ground. Ghostly figures darted in between the columns, running or dodging or something. It was hard to tell. The most distinct figure I could see looked like someone in greenish full body armor and a gas mask, with a dash of blue and yellow on his arm. But then he too faded, letting the next wave of ghosts come through.

"So...Haruhi's been playing too much Silent Hill?"

"Not quite. It means something, and I need your help to find out what."

I thought for a bit.

"Haruhi's a pyromaniac?"

"Enough about Haruhi. Just focus on that area and tell me what you can sense."

His voice had an unusually harsh edge to it. I was liking this situation less and less, but I went along with it for the time, just to see if maybe I could figure out what the hell was happening on my own. I stared at the damned hill again and tried to focus. As I gazed at the hellscape, something started shimmering. I could just make out something, long and silver, it looked almost like...a knife?

"AARGH!"

My head suddenly felt like it about to split open, and I fell backwards to the floor.

"What is it Kyon, what did you see?"

"I...I don't know. It looked like a knife, but when I saw it my head nearly exploded."

"Look again."

"Tell me what's going on first."

"That's not necessary. Just look back out and keep seeing."

He started walking towards me again, slowly. I don't know how, but I knew something was wrong and I needed to run. It was like Asakura all over again, like the things I sometimes saw in my worst dreams. And his damn shadow wouldn't stay still.

"Get away from me."

"Enough! What. Do. You. See."

_Okay...so creepy voice, moving shadow, senses telling me to run. This can only lead to sunshine and rainbows and I'm going to run now._

I sprinted away from him, shouting for someone, anyone. I looked back to see Koizumi chasing me, his shadow no longer even barely constrained. Instead of human, it looked like some great hunchback, with a beak or mouth or something that extended on a long neck out in front of its body.

_So he's either possessed or not Koizumi. I really hope it's not him. Things just wont be the same without someone to rage at besides Haruhi. _

I skidded around a corner and ran for the SOS Dan clubroom. Nagato always saved me in these sorts of situations, and if there was something to help me it'd be there.

_C'mon, c'mon. Deus Ex Machina already!_

The machine seemed to be broken, because there was no god springing to my rescue.

Not-Koizumi slammed the door open and advanced towards me, his fingers sprouting claws as he did so. I scambled backwards and fell down. I looked around. The only thing in arms reach was the chair we used for the computer, so I grabbed that and threw it.

_Maybe he'll be weaker than that blue haired psycho. Hah, I hit him. In your face, literally! Aaaand now you've pissed off the eldritch horror, way to go Kyon._

Not-Koizumi resumed his steady advance towards me. He had nearly reached me when the door slammed open behind him, revealing a blinding light. Not-Koizumi turned to face it, hissing, and as my eyes adjusted I could make out the form of Chandra, her hair dancing like fire, or possibly actively on fire, and her eyes burning red. She shouted something that sounded like 'Fus Ro Dah!' in a deafening voice, and Not-Koizumi burst into flames. Above its dieing shrieks I could hear a woman hissing in pain. As the now revealed shape-shifter thing crumpled to the ground, smoldering, Chandra hurried over to me, her hair still on fire.

"Don't you have an inside voice?"

"Never really liked using it. C'mon, that bitch might send more after us. Let's get outta here."

"Thanks. Your hair's on fire by the way."

"It's because I'm all fired up! Now let's go."

_That...was awful. A terrible one liner. Suddenly I miss Mr. Beleren's sarcasm. I do this sort of thing too much._

As we ran, I asked her what that thing was.

"Body Snatcher, old Phyrexian design. Weren't really supposed to be any left after the Mending and the Great Invasion, but I guess she dug one up somewhere."

"Who's 'she'?"

"I'll let Beleren tell you. After all, _he_knows her better than I ever could."

_Oh great, the pyromaniac's pissed. I enjoyed not being on fire._

To my surprise, Chandra just led me to the exit of the school, and the moment we stepped through the world returned to normal, people and all. I glanced up at Chandra to make sure her hair wasn't still doing a red super-saiyan impression, and sure enough the only looks she was getting from passersby were the looks any gaijin would get.

"Lets move kid, Beleren wants to make sure you're all safe."

"I think the others can handle themselves. Thank you for saving me though."

"S'no problem. He's gonna owe me a biiiiiiig favor after this, and I just love watching him squirm when he owes me."

_Looks like Haruhi was right. If she's not Tsundere for him, my names not..._

Chandra's voice interrupted my thoughts.

"We're heading back to that cafe. Lead the way please."  
><em>Looks like she's not good with maps.<em>

I lead us to the cafe, looking suspicious as I craned my head every which way, looking out for more ancient shapeshifter monsters come to kill me.

_Always me, too. Why can't they just go after Nagato for once, let her turn them into desks and leave me alone._

We got there quickly, and entered to find Mr. Beleren waiting for us.

"You're both here, good. _I'm glad to see you all right, Kyon."_

_"Thanks,"_I thought back at him.

"Come, sit down. I feel like having an afternoon snack."

As we sat, he and Chandra stared at each other, communicating.

"Say, Kyon, how would you feel about a trip to the mountains this weekend? I'm sure the SOS Dan would enjoy it, and perhaps it would stop Ms. Suzumiya from snooping around my apartment. _It would also get you out of danger while I contact an old acquaintance who would be very interested in knowing about our enemy."_

"I'll have to ask Haruhi, but I doubt she'd say no to something like that."

A new voice cut in. "Mountains? Oh I do enjoy mountains, though, not as much as I like being in marshlands. There's just something invigorating about marshlands, wouldn't you agree Jace?"

I turned to look at the sexy owner of the sexy voice walking sexily towards us. She was wearing some kind of gothic-lolita style outfit, with thigh high boots and a corset, all done in varying shades of black and purple to match her waist length raven black hair, which framed her high boned, haughty face nicely.

_Hehe...She's sexy._

"Hello Lilianna," said Mr. Beleren. So nice to see you. _Care to explain why you sent a phyrexian construct after one of my students?"_


	6. The Disgust of Liliana Vess

Chapter 6: The Disgust of Liliana Vess

The goth-loli sexy lady laughed. It was a sexy laugh.

_Mmm...sexy...wait__ she __sent __that __thing __after __me!_

It was as if a fog had cleared from my mind, mostly hormones to be sure, but not entirely. I glanced at Mr. Beleren to confirm it, and sure enough his eyes were faintly glowing.

_Yeah,__ he__'__s __protecting __me __from __her __bewitching __spell! __That__'__s __gotta __be__ it._

_"__No, __I__'__m __just __using __telepathy, __and __you__'__re __a __teenager_. _Be__ careful, __she__'__s __very, __very __dangerous. __If __it __comes __to __violence, __you __need __to __run, __fast. __I__'__ll __see __if __Chandra __can __boost __your __speed __without __any __sort __of __explosion, __but __you __still __need__ to __run.__"_

_"__Yes__ sir.__"_

I was too disturbed by how serious he sounded to even snap at him for mind reading.

"Jace, is that how you greet an old friend? And not just any old friend, but a former lover?I don't know what I ever saw in you. And Chandra Nalaar, just perfect. Two idiots for the price of one."

"That's how I greet an old friend and former lover who used me for my mind and then abandoned me to the tender mercies of Nicol Bolas to go haring off after a cursed veil. Where is that abomination anyway? Is that what I sense from those tattoos?"

"Perceptive as always, you were a good tool. So how's it going Chandra? Blown up any other parents lately?"

As they talked, I looked over at Chandra. her eyes were burning red, and her hair was twitching and dancing, as if waiting for a spark to light it afire. Goth-loli's crack about parents was that spark.

"RRRRRRRAAAAAAGH!" screamed Chandra as she launched herself at Liliana. Goth-loli was way stronger than she looked though. She dodged Chandra's punch and planted a kick in her stomach that sent her flying into the booth and nearly out the window. I decided it was time to leave before I got beaten to death by a goth-loli girl.

_"__Can__ we __leave? __I__'__d __rather __have __my __tombstone __read__ something __other __than __beaten __to __death __by __a __fashion__ statement!__"_

_"__Quiet!__It__'__s __hard__ enough__ keeping__ up __a__ blanking__ spell__ and __making__ sure__ I__ can__ stop__ Lili__'__s__ curses__ without__ you__ yammering!__Get__ Chandra__ and__ run__ for__ the__ door.__ I__'__ll __lock__ Lili__ in__ place.__"_

Mr. Beleren's eyes gleamed, and his hood blew back to reveal his hair standing straight up.

_Oh __great,__ he__'__s __gone __Super __Saiyan._

His hands gathered blue energy, which he threw at Goth-loli, one at a time. She dodged the first one but was hit by the second. I was almost out the door with the unconscious Chandra, and the last thing I saw was both Mr. Beleren and Goth-loli disappear.

I headed towards Nagato's appartment, figuring she was the go to person for protecting me from psychotic girls. About half way there, Chandra began to stir.

"Urgh..what happened? I feel like I got hit by a roil tide."

"You got kicked into a window by Goth-loli."

"Who? Oh, you mean that bitch Liliana. I always forget she's way stronger than she looks. Jace told me about how one time she threw a guardsman into five others with no problem. Where are they?"

"Last I saw Mr. Beleren hit her with some blue glow and they both disappeared."

"He dispersed her. Sent her to another plane, and he probably followed to make sure she didn't just walk back here and catch you."

"And you."

"Kid, if I hadn't had to keep my fire down she'd be toast right now! I can burn her into a crisp! The only reason she's not char and ash is because I tried to punch her!"

"Erm..Right, sorry."

"So where we headed?"

"Friend's place. She's good at dealing with this stuff."

"She better be. Liliana's a real piece of work. Everything nasty about black mana, all rolled up into one. She's selfish, power hungry, willing to pay any price to get what she wants, and a total bitch too."

_Seems__ like __she__'__s __more __pissed __about __that __last __one._

"By the way, thanks for getting me outta there. I'm not much good knocked on my ass like that."

I wasn't quite sure how to react to Chandra acting like a normal person, so I simply replied with "You're welcome." We walked the rest of the way to Nagato's apartment in silence.

Upon reaching her door, I hit the intercom button.  
>"Nagato, it's me, Kyon. I'm pretty sure you're in, because you always are, and we've got a pretty big problem on our hands."<p>

A few moments later, Nagato opened the door, looking like she always did.

"Am I to assume this is in relation to the massive data surge detected from the diner where the SOS Dan meets, as well as the smaller surge and incidence of closed space located at the school?"

"Got it in one. I'll let Chandra explain."

I glanced at Chandra, waiting for her to start explaining, but for some reason she looked really on edge. Not like back with goth-loli, when she was pissed, but really really...uneasy. Like she was looking at something that disgusted and unnerved her.

"Kid, what is this thing?"

"What thing?"

"I believe she is referring to me."

"Hey, that's impolite, Nagato's not a thing."

"Shut it. You can't feel her mana can you? It's pure blue. And the worst kind of blue, too. Like that etherium crap; cold, lifeless, soulless. No emotion, no passion, nothing but cold logic and servitude. I'd be doing the world a favor giving you a bit of fire straight between your eyes."

"That wont be necessary, Chandra," said a voice from behind us. I turned around to see Mr. Beleren limping down the hallway.

"Ms. Nagato here is one of my students, it'd be nice if you'd show some respect. Besides, we're gonna need all the help we can get. I lost Lili somewhere near Iquatana, but we need to move fast."

"You hid her from me at the restaurant, didn't you!"

"I couldn't have you reacting like you did in public. Besides, Ms. Nagato and the being she represents could be valuable allies. May we come in?"

"By all means."

We went in and sat down in Nagato's bare, utilitarian apartment. I sat on the floor, while Chandra and Mr. Beleren took the couch to let him rest his leg. Nagato went into the kitchen to make tea, while the mages discussed their next move.

"We need to get Ms. Suzumiya somewhere safe. I know a perfect place in the mountains that's hidden and fairly easy to access if you know where to look. Lili will be helpless to get there, but it's nice and wooded, so..."

"Oh, I know who you're calling up. Didn't he choke slam you through a binding once?"

"Can we not talk about that please?"

"Aw, is da widdle Jace mad cuz he got beat down?"

"The man is an absolute menace. He's completely insane. No wonder you got along with him so well."

"Ooooooh I get it now. You're jealous aren't you."

Mr. Beleren sent her a glare of epic proportions, to which she responded by grinning manically. Figuring that someone would end up mind-wiped or on fire soon, I decided to cut in.

"So, if no one needs me, I'll just go home and recover from almost being killed again, thanks."

"That's not a very good idea, but if you insist I'll have to ward you so Lili can't find you until we get to the safe house this weekend."

"Fine, just do what you have to so i can go ho..."

And then I collapsed. It wasn't like I fainted or anything. I just collapsed. Much manlier that way. It felt like I was utterly drained of energy and completely on edge at the same time. I recognized the feeling. It was just like what happened after Asakura. When I came to, I was lying on the floor, with my head resting on something soft. It felt like...

_A__ skirt?__Which__ means__ Nagato. __But __why__ am__ I__ lying__ on__ her__ skirt?_

I opened my eyes to see Nagato's face hover above mine. I reacted in the most logical manner available to someone who had just collapsed, in a manly way, from trauma.

"WAUGH! Nagato!"

"My apologies. The research materials I found seemed to indicate this is the proper manner with which to await the awakening of another."

I wasn't quite sure what to say, and Nagato was still really, really close. Like, close enough to make a cheesy romance movie scene out of it.

"Well, I guess...But I'm awake now, so it's fine, see," I said with a nervous chuckle.

"Understood," she said, raising her head. When I sat up, she stood and walked into the kitchen, returning with the tea she had been making. With a nod of thanks, I drank deeply, savoring the delicious hot liquid. Nagato may have had the social skills of an alien construct and an expression stuck on neutral, but she could make damn good tea.

When I had finished, she sat down next to me, really close again. I wasn't sure what she'd found on Haruhi's insane assignment, but it was getting more and more awkward.

_But...It__'__s__ kinda __nice..._

"Erm, Nagato..." She looked up at me with her expression as blank as usual. "Thanks...for everything. You're always there to help me with these things."

She looked up at me, and I swear to God or Haruhi or whatever that her expression actually changed. It looked like she might actually be happy.

"You are welcome."

She suddenly stood up.

"You should return to your home. It is late, and I believe your parents may be worried about you. Goodbye."

She quickly walked into another room and closed the door, leaving my to find my way out. As I left her building and began heading home, something struck me.

_Wait...Has __Nagato __ever __used __any __of __the __other __rooms __in __her apartment __for __any thing __but __time __travel?_

I got home to find my parents and sister doing their usual things, watching TV and being annoying, respectively, as if nothing had happened. Which, from their perspective, it hadn't. Their son hadn't just almost been killed by some monstrosity posing as his friend. I shook my head at the dissonance, headed up to bed.

_Enough __philosophy,__ I __need __to__ sleep._

The next day I woke up to find a message from Haruhi about Mr. Beleren's trip to the mountains, loud and obnoxious as always. Even so, I almost trembled with relief when I heard her voice. She would'nt be the same if something had happened to the real Koizumi, so that had to mean he was safe. Unless...

_Unless __she__ doesn__'__t __know __what __happened__ to __him._

For maybe the first time in my life, I got ready quickly and hurried to school. Not even that hill could slow me down, even if I did shudder involuntarily when I saw it. I ran up it quickly and put it behind me.

As I got to the classroom, a familiar chipper voice greeted me.

"Yo, Kyon! You get my message?"

"Yeah. I could try and say I don't want to go, but that wouldn't work, would it?"

"Nope! It's good that you finally understand that you cannot fight me."

_Was __the __villain __laugh __really __necessary?_

"Right. By the way, have you seen Koizumi today?"

She looked a bit perplexed, before replying, "I saw him on the way to school. Why?"

_Why__ is __she__ blushing__ and__ grinning?__ Oh __no..._

Words cannot express the despair I felt at that moment.

"I seeeeee. That's interesting Kyon. That's very interesting. We have enough time before class if you want to go _say__hi_ to him. Is that why you got here early? I know you're usually _such _a slacker when it comes to school."

"Uh no, not at all. I got here early because...um...oh yeah, Mr. Beleren wanted me to start coming to school earlier. I wouldn't usually, but he threatened to make sure I stopped sleeping in class, so..."

"Awww. I mean, oh, yeah ok. You can still go see him, if you want, you know."

"Thank you, Haruhi. I'll be sure to keep your ever so wise and generous advice under consideration."

She looked taken aback momentarily, before her expression defaulted back to annoyed.

"What does that mean Kyon! Hmph!"

She stormed away before I could say anything more. Thinking about it, I realized I had been a lot nastier than usual. Haruhi hadn't even been that suggestive that last time. Maybe it was just the stress of yesterday getting to me, plus worrying about Koizumi. I just hoped this mountain trip was as relaxing as Mr. Beleren thought it would be.

School passed wonderfully without incident, even if Haruhi refused to speak to me or even make eye contact. After school I went to Koizumi's classroom to check, and sure enough there he was, with his usual smile untouched. I started to go in, but as I did my mind flashed back to that...thing, and I froze, unable to move for what seemed like several minutes as thoughts ran ponderously through my head. Once I finally snapped out of it, I quickly backed out and headed for the clubroom, hoping for someone to talk to at least. Nagato was in there, but she wasn't really what you would call talkative, plus she was still acting kinda weird. I decided to leave and pack for the trip.

_Maybe Haruhi will calm down by the time we get on the train._


	7. The Frightening of Mikuru Asahina

_A/N: This is a long one. First and foremost, thanks to all my reviewers, followers and favoriters. (It's a word because I say it's a word.) You keep me going. Second, hello to all my foreign fans. It's kind of a strange thing, checking my traffic stats and seeing that after the US, where I live, the next two biggest countries in terms of visitors are France and Singapore. Not what I expected at all. Still, it's really cool to see people from halfway around the world enjoying my story. Why France and Singapore specifically, I have no idea, but past three months those have consistently been where the most hits come from after the US. So hi. Thanks for giving me an international fan base. Pretty good feeling. _:) _If you have any questions or find any problems with the fic, don't hesitate to send me a message. Especially the problems part; I've had some issues with screwy formatting, so there might be some oddities lurking about._ _Lastly, I own nothing but the clothes on my back and a really nice desktop computer. I certainly don't own either property being used in this tale. Sue me not, lest sadness occur round the globe._

__Chapter 7: The Frightening of Mikuru Asahina.

She was still mad by the time we got on the train. In fact, her only three words to me in the time between school and the SOS-dan's arrival at the station, packed and ready to go, had been "Moron," "Moron," and in a shocking turn of events, "Moron."

Still, she looked happy enough chatting with Mikuru and Nagato, who for some reason steadfastly refused to look at my end of the seats we were in. Since each bench was big enough for three, the girls were on one bench and the guys on the other, with Mr. Beleren and Chandra across the aisle. Of course, with Nagato at the very end, it was very obvious how her head was turned 90 degrees all the time.

"...right Kyon!" exclaimed Haruhi out of the blue.

"Huh, uh yeah, right."

_If I tell her I haven't been paying attention she'll throw me out the window._ _And wasn't she furious at me earlier? I swear she has memory problems or something. _

"It's settled then, we'll be doing a test of courage tonight once Mr. Beleren and Chandra are asleep. Or maybe not asleep. Teehee!"

"Haruhi, please never Teehee again. It just sounds kinda unnatural coming from you."

"Shut it you. Now we gotta figure out what the groups are. I already made a box to pick names from!"

_How does that even work? There's uneven numbers, and whoever picks last gets to go alone and...I'm overthinking this. Knowing Haruhi, it's rigged anyway. _

"I'll pick first! Lessee...Me and you Kyon, and no moaning about it or we'll all just go off without you and leave you behind...

_She does know how lazy I am right?_

"...with Mr. Beleren and Chandra."

_Not trading a tsundere for a tsundere and a mind reading teacher. Damn she's good._

"Fine, fine. Who's next?"

"I will go next. I have pulled the name of Koizumi."

"Perfect! Mikuru, that leaves you alone."

"But..But...I don't want to go out alone.."

_The pouty cry-y eyes! The tears welling up! Such cuteness surely cannot be denied!_

"Don't worry Mikuru, I'm sure you'll be fine. And hey, if you do this, I'll give you...um...a...present. Yeah. A present. Moving on."

_Ye Gods woman! Have you a heart made of stone!_

"We're on a train, and everyone knows what you need to do on a train!"

"Sleep?"

"Build closer bonds of friendship?"

"Um...Talk to each other?"

"Engage in joyful activities facilitated by specifically marked pieces of laminated paper?"

"No, no, no and no. You gotta play cards of course! So what's it gonna be? Old Maid, Go Fish, Poker?"

_I dont know how to play any of those except poker. And Haruhi's so excitable that she has a terrible poker face, and she wont realize that, and maybe I can convince her to play for money._  
><em>I smell a plot coming on.<em>

"How about poker?"

"You sure? I kinda wanted to play Old Maid myself."

"Oh I see how it is."  
>"What? How what is? Tell me Kyon, or there'll be a punishment."<p>

"All right all right. You're scared aren't you. You don't wanna play poker because you know you'll lose, and when you play poker you gotta play for real money."

She turned her own particular shade of red, the shade reserved for when she was well and truly pissed or irredeemably excited. Just as planned.

"Why you! I'll show you who's scared! Deal 'em Yuki! Someone's about to get a lesson from his betters on why they are, in fact his betters!"

"We'll just see about that."

_Glad she didn't include Yuki. She probably didn't want to deal with that stoic face any more than I did. That just leaves Haruhi, who has already been determined to be an easy mark, Mikuru, who probably doesn't have much better of a poker face, and Koizumi. He's the one I'm worried about. I'll just have to play it safe when he bets big. My goal is to beat Haruhi, after all._

We each agreed to start out with 1000 yen, with 50 yen antes, and once Haruhi was reminded that this was not, in fact, the poker world championship, we agreed on five card draw. Nagato, after being told not to deal the cards face up, gave out the first hand. I looked at mine. Nothing too exciting, just a king high, with no real opportunities for a flush or straight. I checked around me. Haruhi was pouting, Mikuru was whimpering, and Koizumi...looked like he always did. Whatever other flaws he had, the guy had a good poker face. I discarded four cards and got four more from Nagato. Koizumi got three, as did Haruhi, while Mikuru got five. Poor girl. Koizumi probably had a pair, and Haruhi was likely trying some harebrained stunt with a straight or flush, just what I'd wisely avoided. Sure enough, on getting her cards she started pouting again. I checked my new four. Another king sat staring regally at me. Not bad.

"Bet," I said, throwing a 50 yen coin in the pot. Koizumi called, and Mikuru and Haruhi folded. The big reveal came and...two tens! I swept up the pot, grinning.

"You got lucky this time Kyon, but the next hand is mine!"

"Keep your voice down Haruhi, there's other people in this car."

"Yeah yeah. C'mon Yuki, gimme something good."

The cards went out. Haruhi looked pensive, Mikuru flustered, and I thought I could detect a hint of disappointment from Koizumi. I checked my hand. Pair of fives, not bad. I called a bet from Haruhi and shipped three cards back, as did she. Koizumi folded without betting, and Mikuru, surprisingly, raised. Haruhi and I stared at her. I don't think either of us expected this from the timidest member of the SOS Dan.  
>"Getting gutsy there Mikuru! You sure you wont regret it?"<p>

"Um...I hope not," whimpered Mikuru.

I checked my cards. Nothing. Hopefully Haruhi hadn't gotten anything...nope, she was grinning.

"I fold."

"You coward! No wonder you're so worthless if you're scared all the time. I bet."

"I C-call."

"Straight! Lets see it Mikuru."

"Three eights."

_That was a good hand. Mikuru would've won if Haruhi hadn't lucked out like that. Eh, luck beats luck. _

The game continued apace, with Koizumi folding at the slightest sign of trouble, Haruhi making riskier and riskier moves, and I taking a gradual lead over both of them. An hour later Haruhi was nearly out, and Koizumi had been ground down to the point of quitting. It was time for the killing blow.

Nagato dealt the cards. Four hearts with an ace high!

_Yeeeeessss. I can crush Haruhi in the most elaborate way possible. _

Haruhi had that look on her face she got when she had hit a brick wall. Determination crossed with annoyance that such a minor thing as fate could stand in her way. It was kinda cute.

_Er, I mean...I shall crush her now! Yes, crushing time. Ahem. Anyway she must not have enough to stand up to a flush. Time to bait the trap._

"What's wrong Haruhi? You look a bit off. Maybe we should take a break until you're feeling better. After all, getting beat so hard must be tough."

"What was that Kyon! I'll show you! Grrrrrrr...All In!"

_The prey takes the bait, and the hunter moves in for the kill._

"I call. Ready to lose Haruhi?"

"As if!"  
>"Um..I call too."<p>

We both stared at Mikuru. To be honest, I had kinda forgotten she was here, focused as I was on beating Haruhi.

"Right then. One card."

"Me too!"

"I as well please."

I closed my eyes and brought the card up to my face. The moment of truth. My body was shaking with anticipation, my mouth dry. This would determine everything. I cracked an eye. A fifth heart. It was over.

"Well Haruhi, I hate to say it, but I think I've won here."

_Wait, I love to say that. _

"Oh yeah! Show me!"

"Take this! Final Ultimate Attack: Straight, ace high. Read them... and weep!"

Dejected, Haruhi threw her cards down. A failed straight. Predictable.

"So Haruhi, who's the master of poker?"

"Well then, oh most amazing master of poker, guess who's buying us all dinner."

_Of course she'd pull this._

"Hey! That's not fair. Just because you're a sore loser doesn't mean I get punished."

"Haven't you learned yet Kyon? Being my servant means I can punish you whever I please."

"Um...excuse me?"

We looked at Mikuru.

"Does this mean I won?"

She put down a royal flush.

_NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! _

_Ok, deep breaths, deep mental breaths. _

_NOOOOOOOO!  
><em>

Ignore my silent scream of despair, Haruhi stared dumbfounded at Mikuru.

"Uh yeah I mean...I guess you won."

"Oh yay! I won."

"Yeah yeah congratulations. You still have to do the test of courage all alone. Hmph."

With that declaration of petty revenge, Haruhi began fuming quietly.

"Ok," Mikuru said with a dejected look.

The rest of the trip was spent in silence. Haruhi was fuming, Nagato was Nagato, Koizumi was staring out the window, Mikuru was sitting quietly, and I had manfully passed out from sheer disbelief. Or maybe I went to sleep.

The train jerking to a stop jolted me awake.

"Let's go, the mountains await!"

Haruhi marched boldly on, with Mikuru in tow, leaving me to bring her stuff.

_What sound do donkeys make? Do they neigh? Whatever. Neigh. I'm a pack mule. _

I got off the train lugging Haruhi's bag and my own, regretting this trip more and more, even if it was supposed to keep us safe.

_Oh well, cabin in the woods, should be a nice little vacation. Wait, woods. How are we getting there? Oh no...don't tell me..._

"All right kids, the cabin is about a half hour walk from here. There's a nice little path so we don't have to worry about any wild animals or anything.

_Knew it. It's too hot for this._

"Um...Mr. Beleren sir, you don't think we'll run into any wild animals do you?"  
>"I hope not, but I have heard a bear was sighted nearby recently. If anything happens just leave it to Chandra and I.<p>

_Poor bear. He'll either have his mind exploded or just get set on fire._

We left the train station and started walking on the path towards the cabin, with me still carrying Haruhi's stuff. The trip was uneventful, mostly because everyone was too hot to do anything but walk. When we finally got to the cabin, which was a wooden two story house, I barrelled through the door the minute Mr. Beleren unlocked it, found the nearest couch, and flopped down on it, breathing a sigh of relief.

"How lazy can you get Kyon?"

"I was carry your stuff and it's hot. Shut up and leave me alone."

"Fine. I guess you could use a break, my loyal servant. Very well, you may rest, but," she leaned in close and whispered, "Don't forget, we have the test of courage tonight, so make sure you're niiiiice and awake for that."

_The dreaded sing-song. I'm not gonna have fun here am I?_

"Right."

I spent the rest of the afternoon on the couch, then went and got washed up for dinner. The food was actually pretty good. Apparently Chandra and Mr. Beleren could both cook pretty well for themselves. Chandra's pork roast was spicy beyond belief, and for some reason she kept encouraging Nagato to eat it, muttering something about spice and life. Weird. Mr. Beleren, on the other hand, made salads and noodles for all of us. A simple, practical dinner, unlike Chandra's somewhat extravagant dish.

After dinner we went upstairs to hang out for a while, before Nagato, who was keeping an eye on the adults, announced "They are no longer paying attention. They appear to be discussing the arrival of another person. This would be an optimal time for the courage testing exercise."

"Sweet! Let's go. And be very quiet. We don't want them to hear us."

At Haruhi's command, we snuck downstairs and out the door. We left a note in case they got suspicious, but somehow I doubted Mr. Beleren would be too happy with us if he found out.

_At least we have Nagato with us. Or will...for a short time...this doesn't look so good all of a sudden._

When we were a short way into the forest, Haruhi stopped us.  
>"Listen up! We're splitting up now. The rules are that the last ones to go back to the house win."<p>

_Since when were tests of courage competitions. Well, this _is_ Haruhi we're talking about._

"Kyon and I will go this way, Yuki and Koizumi go that way, and Mikuru, you can go that way," Haruhi declared, pointing the direct opposite direction of the house when she said Mikuru's name.

"SOS Dan, move out! May the best me win. Let's go Kyon."

With that, she grabbed my hand and dragged my away, grinning. I waved goodbye to the stoics and the trembling Mikuru.

As we raced through the raced through the forest, I wondered if Haruhi had any idea where she was going. So I asked.

"Of course I do. There's a cave complex a little bit that way. Perfect place for ghosts to manifest, don'tcha think? Ah, I see it!"

We walked over to the cave entrance.

_Doesn't look like much. Maybe these ghosts are big on privacy._

"Let's go! Evidence of the supernatural is bound to be in there."

_Wait. A cave in the wilderness. A bear warning. I know this scene. _

"Haruhi, remember how there was a bear sighting around here? What if it's in that cave?"

"Don't be stupid Kyon. If there was a bear here, where's the droppings?"

"I...You're right. Huh. All right, lead the way fearless leader."

"Yeah!"

We headed in, Haruhi carrying a small flashlight and shining it around excitedly.

"I wonder what kind of ghosts they are? Maybe vengeful spirits of the restless dead? Or poltergeists, or friendly ones?"

"I'm not much of a ghost expert, but what makes you think there's anything here?"

"It just feels like there is, ok? I'm gonna look a bit farther in. Guard the entrance for me."  
>I wanted to shout 'From what?', but she was already gone. Sighing, I walked out to the entrance and stared up at the sky.<p>

_At least she's not mad at me anymore. I just hope she was wrong about the bear. If something happens to her all alone..._

Before I could finish my thought, something caught my eye. It was near the moon in the clear night's sky, pale and glowing. It looked like a bird of some kind, with a long, slender neck and body and wide wings.

"So you can see her presence?"

"Wagh! Who's there!"

I turned around to see a foreigner standing in the cave entrance. He was a pale haired, dour man, with a weathered, lined face. He was dressed in a heavy coat with what was obviously some kind of holy symbol hanging from his neck. He had a long sword in a scabbard on his back.

"I apologize for startling you."

"Who are you?"

"Traft is my name. I can tell this is not Stensia, or even Thraben. Who are you? Where have I been summoned?"

"Um...this is Japan, on Earth. I'm Kyon. That's what everyone calls me at least."

"Everyone calls me Saint, but I don't deserve that title. Are you the planeswalker who summoned me?"

"I..What? No! I'm just a normal human. The only planeswalkers I know of are at a house a few minutes away."

_Wait, that's wrong. Haruhi._

"Well, actually my friend might be one, but she summoned you by accident, ok? I'll go get Mr. Beleren and we'll figure out how to get you back where you belong, so please stay calm."

"Do you mistake me for some common spirit, boy? I may be dead but I'm no sturmgeist or banshee. Now would you introduce me to your friend? I'd be interested to meet one who can summon me so casually. It's not a common thing to be able to do."

"Um..sorry, but I don't think that's a good idea. According to the first guy I met, revealing anything weird to her could make her brain explode or something."

"I...see. We'll, the summoning should dissipate soon if you are correct about its' circumstances, so while I wait I would like to ask you a question. Did you see something near the moon before I called out to you? A bird of some kind?"

"I did. How did you know?"

His expression became slightly less dour.

"Then there is still hope. A rare and precious thing, hope. I thank you, Kyon of Earth. May we never meet again."

He turned around and walked away, vanishing into the gloom of the cave. Just before he disappeared, I saw the faint image of glowing, white wings and long, shimmering hair.

I stood, dumbstruck for a few seconds before Haruhi came out of the cave, looking unhappy.

"I searched that whole stupid cave and there's nothing in there! No mysterious movements, no slime coming out of the walls, no weird sounds. And you weren't even there. Grah. Hey Kyon, are you ok? You look kinda shook up."

"Uh yeah, I'm fine. And there's still time left, maybe we'll find something."

"Yeah, of course we will! And if we don't, maybe we can go scare the others."

"Quit smirking. I doubt even someone as creative as you could scare Nagato or Koizumi."

_And if you tried to scare Mikuru her shriek would probably blow out our eardrums._  
>"Stop being so right all the time. C'mon, lets walk around the woods, see if we can find anything."<p>

She grabbed my hand and pulled me along as she marched into the trees. She broke into a run, and to avoid having my arm ripped out of its' socket I speed up to keep pace. She must've interpreted that as a challenge, because she started going faster. I wasn't about to get left behind alone in the woods again, so I had no choice but to match her speed. We raced together through the forest, only stopping when Haruhi tripped and sprawled to the ground, and I collapsed next to her.

"Are you ok!"

"Bwahahahaha!"

_She's gone mental._

"Why...are you laugh..ing?" I asked in between pants.

"That was..haha..fun..haaaaa. Phew. It's been so long since it was just us running around hunting the unknown."

"Who was the one who took over Nagato's club room and abducted Asahina-san?"

"Yeah yeah, but we needed them to complete the team. We're the real core, you and me."

"Good to know," I said wryly. "Heh. Remember the baseball game?"

"It was like a few weeks ago. Hahaha, Yuki was so weird then."

_Only then?_

"First she can't hit the ball, then she goes crazy and starts knocking em outta the park. I guess that's the power of getting serious."

"Nagato's always serious though."

"Ha, yeah. Hey Kyon..."

"Sup?"

"Do you...do you really think we'll find anything. Am I just crazy?"

I looked over at Haruhi to see her gazing at the sky, a troubled expression marring usual beauty.

"I've searched for so long haven't found a damn thing. No aliens, no time travelers, no espers, no sliders. Not even Smith...It's just so boring without anything to do..."

"Hey now, where's the SOS Dan's fearless leader? I think you're crazy, sure, but that's just kinda how you are. Normal people don't change their hair once a day for a week after all. And you've got the SOS Dan, a crack team of investigators. We'll find something eventually, even if it's just another mystery to investigate."

"Thanks, Kyon."

_That smile...Is my heart supposed to be melting? I should probably see a doctor about that._

"Hup. Let's get moving. I wanna make sure Yuki and Koizumi didn't sneak off and go make out somewhere."

"I...what!"

She burst into laughter.

"Gotcha. Man Kyon you're easy to..."

"KYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!"

"What was that?"

"Dunno, sounded like Mikuru. Maybe a ghost scared her. Let's go!"

_Or maybe it was a bear. I did so enjoy not being mauled. But still, it's not like I can refuse her._

We hurried towards the source of the scream, which was in fact a trembling Asahina-san, sitting in a heap on the ground. Haruhi rushed to her side.

"What happened Mikuru? Was it a ghost? A spirit? A banshee? A geist?"

"Buh...buh...bear," she sobbed.

_Oh. Rustling. That can't be good._

"Haruhi, we got company," I said, pointing towards the source of the rustling, a bunch of bushes a few yards away.

"Um...Kyon, be a man and protect us!"

"With what! Am I some kind of mystical bear killer or something!"

"You're a man aren't you? It's your job to protect us dainty ladies from harm."

"I don't think you really count as dainty."

"Yeah! Well..."

Her retort was cut off by further movement in the bushes. I interspersed myself between Haruhi and whatever was in there. If I was going to die by bear, I might as well go down all heroically. The movement grew closer, and closer, until out of the foliage came...Nagato.

_Huh. Well...Ok then._

"Yuki, behind you!"

Behind her was a giant looming shape, like a bear standing on two legs.

"Go away bear! Shoo, shoo!"

"Really? Shoo?"

"I'm trying my best here Haruhi, now if you would shut up?"

"Shoo isn't going to work on me, lad."

_Talking bears? Could this night get any weirder?_

"Do not be afraid. I have encountered the entity Mr. Beleren wished to contact."

As Nagato said that, the bear moved fully out of the shadows into the moonlight. He wasn't a bear, just a man as big as one. He looked like he could arm wrestle a bear, and judging by the pelts he was wearing he probably had done more than that. He had a tusked metal helmet obscuring most of his face, but what I could see was covered in beard.

"I am Garruk Wildspeaker. Where is that damned mind mage?"


End file.
